A Pointless Waste of Time
by Iceheart
Summary: This is Task #2 as a Star Wars Chick Padawan under Angela Jade. Forget everything you know about Star Wars. As a matter of fact, just turn your brain off for this one.


  
  
**********  
  
Luke and Mara Jade Skywalker trudged across the sands of Tattoine as the  
twin suns beat down upon the parched landscape. Their trip had gotten  
off to a bad start earlier than most bad starts. Mara had, some 6  
months before, sacrificed her ship, the "Jade's Fire", to stop the  
Empire's last-ditch attempt at power. Luke was having a ship built for  
her as a gift for their 1st wedding anniversary. Needless to say, that  
was a ways off, and Luke's only means of transportation was an X-Wing  
with only one seat. While he had entertained thoughts of inter-stellar  
travel in extremely close quarters with his bride, Mara had put the  
kiabosh on that idea pretty quickly. Since Han was taking Leia  
joyriding in the Falcon while the kids were at the Academy, the  
Skywalkers were forced into Rent-A-Shuttle, where they were issued a  
Lambada-Class. Mara just plain didn't like the way they handled, and  
ended up bitching most of the way to Tattoine.  
  
After landing in Mos Eisley, the couple rented a sandspeeder to head off  
into the desert. Of course the speeder had broken down, and the only  
items in the tool box were a gallon of water and a busted hydrospanner.  
  
"So, where are we going again, and why?" Mara asked, squinting up at  
Luke as she trudged along beside him.  
"We are going to Jabba the Hutt's old palace to investigate a new  
religion that has the possibility of being potentially dangerous."  
"Do you know how many religions there are in the Galaxy? I doubt this  
is a resurgence of the Sith." Mara wrinkled her sunburned nose at her  
husband. "Anyway, this isn't my idea of a honeymoon."  
"I know, it isn't mine either, but as Jedi we are sworn to protect the  
Galaxy and all it's inhabitants from any threat. Anyway, they are using  
Jabba's old stomping grounds as headquarters, so better safe than  
sorry." Luke put his arm around Mara's sunburnt shoulders, which made  
her squeal in pain and jump away. "And here we are."  
  
The palace loomed before them, large and sprawling and incredibly ugly.  
Luke and Mara approached the door, and Mara reached for the knocker.  
"Don't you kind of expect Bib Fortuna to answer the door?" Luke turned  
and grinned at Mara. "First impressions are lasting, aren't they?"  
Mara made a face, and turned as the door started to open. "Sithspawn!"  
she exclaimed as she pulled out her blaster. Standing in the doorway to  
the palace was an armed Tusken Raider.  
"Um.... hi?" the Raider said looking at the two startled Jedi and  
trying to avoid the ignited lightsaber and the blaster trained on him.  
My names Larry, ah, were you looking for the Witnesses??" He put down  
the antique shotgun. "Sorry about that, the locals are up in arms,  
can't be too careful."  
Luke put his lightsaber away, and gestured for Mara to do the same. She  
kept the blaster trained on the robed figure until Luke finally took it  
from her hand. // I didn't think you carried that thing anymore // //  
Of course I do! // Luke scratched his head - // How did I miss it? //  
Mara didn't answer. She turned to the Sandperson.  
"We have been sent on behalf of the Jedi Order to investigate a  
religious movement which supposedly has it's headquarters here. Can you  
help us?"  
"Oh, yes, come in, why didn't you say so?" Larry opened the door wider  
and gestured them inside. "And your names are?"  
"I'm Luke Skywalker, and this is my wife Mara Jade." Luke glanced  
around "You've really cleaned this place up since the last time we were  
here."  
"Luke Skywalker?" The Raider had an air of amazement about him. "You  
grew up around here, right? On Owen Lars' Moisture Farm? I remember  
you. I always thought you went up in flames with the rest of the  
place."  
  
The party entered what used to be the throne room. It had been gutted  
and re-decorated and looked almost... cheerful. "Yeah", Larry said, "We  
had to gut this place when we took it over. Hutts and Gammoreans are  
two of the most disgusting creatures in the Galaxy. Make yourselves  
comfortable." He gestured to some overstuffed furniture. "Can I get  
either of you anything? Water, Caf, Tea, Bantha Jerky?"  
"Um... no thank you" Mara replied. // Bantha Jerky? You people sicken  
me! // Luke smiled at Mara. // What do you suggest we eat? Rack of  
Hutt? Our choices are pretty slim here. // // Good Point. // Mara  
raised an eyebrow at Luke, and turned to Larry. // Eek! // Luke turned  
around. Larry had taken off his wrappings and respirators, and turned  
out to be an older, balding human male.  
Larry smiled at them. "I know you Jedi can "Sense" things through the  
Force, but I believe that dealing with people face to face keeps us  
honest."  
Luke nodded in agreement. "Ah, Larry, do you mind if we ask you a  
couple questions?"  
"Shoot" Larry wrinkled his forehead "I mean, ask away." He turned to  
Mara, and gave her a nervous smile.  
Mara cleared her throat. "What kind of a religious organization are you  
running here, Larry?"  
Larry got a really big, goofy grin on his face.  
Just then, another robed figure wandered into the room. Larry stood up,  
and took the man by the arm to a fluffy chair.  
"Here, Bob, sit down. We have visitors". Bob looked over at the two  
Jedi sitting on the sofa. His pupils were dilated.  
"Hey, cool. They aren't here to burn the place down, are they?"  
"No, no, Bob, these are Jedi. They want to know more about the  
Witnesses. The neighbors are complaining, remember?"  
Bob's face lit up, as Larry started in.  
  
"It all started with this shipment of gimer wood that we found, after a  
well placed shot to a cargo ship's repulsor lifts. The night was cool  
and there wasn't any wind, so we built a campfire, and sat around  
contemplating life.  
Bob and I were discussing the state of Tattoine. There's Hutts and  
smugglers giving the planet a bad image, and settlers taking all our  
good living areas, and then botching them up with things like water taxes and in-fighting to boot. We both agreed that something needed to be done to  
reclaim Tattoine for the Sandpeople."  
"We were also contemplating the gimer wood. It's too valuable to burn,  
but what else were we going to do with it? Bob still had womprat stuck  
in his teeth after dinner, so he was using a splinter as a tooth pick.  
That's when we found out what gimer is used for."  
"What's it for?" Luke asked. "Master Yoda had a gimer stick for  
walking, does it really have other uses?"  
Bob sat forward with a feral grin on his face.  
"That night, I had a Vision."  
"A Vision?" Mara asked, sounding a little skeptical.  
"Yes, a Vision." Bob pulled himself up and spread his arms out to his  
sides.  
"I encountered the Holy Bantha that night."  
"The Holy Bantha?" Mara sounded really skeptical now. "How did you  
know it was the Holy Bantha, and not just a stray from your herd?"  
"Because", Bob answered, "It was wearing a pink tutu."  
"A pink tutu?" Luke frowned. He could hear Mara laughing inwardly. To  
her credit, she was keeping a straight face. Luke had to summon all his  
Jedi control to do the same.  
"Yes, a pink tutu." Bob continued. "The Holy Bantha showed me the path  
to Enlightenment. He told me how to rid Tattoine of the infidels, and  
reclaim the land for the Sandpeople. The Holy Bantha gave me the  
Asshole Theory."  
"The Asshole Theory?" Mara was glad that her face was already sunburnt,  
because she was sure to be turning red from suppressing her laughter.  
Luke was almost catatonic trying to stay calm. Even Larry was  
snickering.  
"Yes, the Asshole Theory." A look of contentment came over Bob's face.  
"The Holy Bantha told me that we are all Assholes, and therefore we are  
all equals. The Holy Bantha told me that those we do not get along with  
are also Assholes, but they are Assholes of a different type than we  
are. We who get along are like-minded Assholes.  
"I see." Yep, Luke was definitely catatonic. Larry had turned purple,  
and was making funny squeaking sounds. Mara was amazed at the  
self-control she was exhibiting.  
Bob pulled what looked like a woodchip out of the folds of his robe, and  
started chewing on it.  
"The Holy Bantha told me that to reclaim the land, we must tell all the  
saving power of the Asshole Theory, and Tattoine will be ours. He told  
us to take this abandoned palace, and make it our headquarters. He told  
us that we will be known as the Jabba's Witnesses." Bob's eyes then  
rolled back into his head, as he fell back into the chair. Larry burst  
into the loudest belly laughs either Jedi had ever heard.  
  
When the trio recovered, and checked to see if Bob was still alive,  
Larry continued the story.  
"Yeah, Bob woke up after his first gimer-induced trance spouting that  
stuff. I thought it seemed like the best idea yet, seeing as how  
shooting at pod races and threatening people's lives just wasn't  
working. So, the next day, I went to the Mos Eisley Kinkos, printed off  
a hundred or so Sphincteral Analysis Tests, and started going  
door-to-door. So far, three settlers have abandoned their farms to get  
away from us, and two Hutt Dodgers have offered to buy our gimer  
shipment." Larry chuckled. "Bob's become our Patron Saint of the  
Asshole. Unfortunately, the really tough locals have been up in arms.  
We've had angry mobs circle the palace every Monday, Wednesday and  
Friday at 7 in the evening. We set our clocks to them."  
"Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 7 o' clock sharp, eh?" Mara had  
a certain gleam in her eye. Luke was frightened, it was too familiar.  
"Ah, yes, as I said, like clockwork." Larry looked puzzled.  
"So, what do you do during these rallies?" Mara asked.  
"Ah, we grab our shotguns and hole up in the palace, like any sane  
person would do." Larry seemed lost now. Luke could relate, he wasn't  
following either.  
Mara shook her head. "So, you have all the settlers within miles here  
in one place, and you don't spread your message of peace and assholes?"  
Larry was stunned. "Bu-but they have torches! W-we can't just go out  
there! They'll....they'll...."  
Mara chuckled. "Wonderful! They bring their own fire! Throw a couple  
of ewoks on the barbeque, feed these people, and they'll be happy!"  
You could have pushed Larry and Luke over with a feather. "Ah, well,  
okay...." Larry stuttered.  
"Say", Mara went on "Where are the Jawas? They need to hear about the  
saving power of the asshole too. Tell them to bring their, uh,  
"findings". You could have a swap meet. Think about it, if you are a  
settler, and you needed a new droid yesterday, but the Jawas aren't due  
around for another couple of weeks. If all the Jawa traders in the area  
are where the settlers are three times a week, the Jawas would make out  
like bandits, and the settlers would be happy."  
//Uh, Mara, what are you doing?// Luke looked downright frightened now.  
//Oh, I organized these things for Karrde all the time. Just sit back  
and let me handle this one Pookie.//  
//Mara, sweetie, DON"T ENCOURAGE THEM!// Mara smiled very sweetly at  
her husband, and continued planning Larry's outreach program.  
"So, when you have happy settlers with full stomachs and happy Jawas  
with full creditpurses, you take the opportunity to preach the message  
of the Holy Bantha. Tell these folks the saving power of the Asshole  
Theory while they want to listen. Hand out your Sphincteral Analysis  
Tests. It sure beats going door-to-door, and catching them in the  
middle of dinner.  
Larry suddenly saw the light. "That's...that's incredible! How come I  
didn't think of this? It's brilliant!"  
Mara patted him on the shoulder. "You need to lay off the gimer,  
Larry." She flashed Luke a smile. Luke wanted to crawl into a hole,  
curl up, and die. This was very un-Jedi like, and she knows it.  
  
**********  
  
The next Wednesday, just like Larry said, every settler within a 50-mile radius gathered outside of the palace with torches. Mara and Luke stood on top of the palace watching the angry congregation against the setting suns. The shouts of anger turned into gasps of disbelief when the mob saw the 50-some grills manned by the Sandpeople, and smelled the savory roast Ewok. Not being the kind of people to refuse a free meal, the entire mob lined up, grabbed the paper plates and plastic silverware, and sat at the picnic tables happily munching. Larry was beaming with pride. "I guess those fliers we printed up and posted around worked."  
  
When the meal was almost finished, Larry helped Bob up to a microphone that was rigged up in front of the palace gates. Bob tapped on the head of the mic.  
  
"Testing 123, is this thing on?" The crowd hushed.  
  
"Um, hi, I'm Bob, Bob Raider, and I'd like to tell you about the Asshole Theory. Now I know you all know the basic theory, but I'd like to let you know how you can apply it to your everyday lives.  
  
Looking out, I can see families divided. The only thing that seems to unite this desert is your hatered of The Jabba's Witnesses. This is wonderful!" The crowd looked around at each other, and murmured in puzzled tones. Mara looked at Luke and shrugged.  
  
"Yes, it is wonderful, because you're starting to realize that you are like-minded assholes in that you want to parade my head around on a stick. What a difference from last week's settlement meeting about the increase in the price of water, hmmm?" The crowd got very quiet.  
  
"Now, in the realization that you all have one thing in common, do you think that maybe you could start to think outside of the box in issues like water taxation that have had you so divided? Why must we linger in the stagnant bacta tanks of hatered? Let's all embrace the Holy Bantha's message, and make this desert flourish!" The crowd made appreciative noises. Bob smiled, and stepped down from the microphone. Larry stepped up.  
  
"Would we like to start doing this on a regular basis?" Larry asked the crowd. They all shouted in agreement.  
  
"Wonderful! However, me must ask that everyone contribute just a few credits each meeting. Ewok is expensive, you know." The crowd started to disperse and socialize.  
  
Bob went up to the roof to speak with the Jedi. "Well, I'd call this a success!" Bob said happily.  
  
"Yes, it really was" Mara said. "Say, Bob... when was the last time you had some gimer?"  
  
"Oh, about 48 hours ago. I wanted to be fairly coherent for this. Damn, I could use a chew right now." Bob gave the Jedi a salute, and climbed down from the roof.  
  
Mara turned to Luke. "Well, I'd say that was a successful mission." Luke made a face at his bride. "Yes, dear." Luke said, heading off the roof. "And now, we can go home."  
  
Larry met the Jedi as they were headed out the door. "Leaving already, guys?"  
  
"Yes, we're sorry to leave you so soon, but it seems you have things under control, and we have business to attend to back home." Luke smiled at the Sandperson.  
  
"Aw, hey, that's cool, thanks for all your help! Do you want some ewok for the road?"  
  
"Sure!" Mara said. Larry headed off to the kitchen to prepare a doggie bag. He came back a moment later with the greasy package.  
  
"Well" Larry said "see you guys around. May the Holy Bantha be with you."  
  
"May the Force be with you too, Larry." Luke said. He and Mara headed out the door.  
  
  



End file.
